Fright/End

Hello cupcakes of joy! I have been busy aquiring frequent flyer miles (and assorted hotel sewing kits) as well as writing until my fingers are bloody and sore (figurative) and my brain has exploded (literal).

Anyway, I've gotten much mail recently asking when my manga CATNIPPED and my upcoming book KITTY KITTY will be up for study on my website and here is the answer: soon.

Until then, you can check out some info about them on harper teen's myspace. While you're there you can also sign up to get an advanced copy of KITTY KITTY. Be the first in your neighborhood to find out what Jas is wearing on page 82 (IT WILL SHOCK YOU!!)

For now, content yourself with a dollop of advice!

OK,
I was a sophomore in high school, he was a senior, when we first met. We never actually got together. He's got quite a bit of downsides in my book, like the fact he smokes weed and drinks (and here I am little miss goody-two shoes...). So he's not my perfect... but I am attracted heavily to how he thinks, which I assume is the right thing to be attracted to. He is currently in college and the only way we communicate is through facebook, although he is completely unreliable. He is so laid back it is to a flaw, like ... well, I'll post this conversation and you'll see what I mean.

Me: I'm probably making a fool of myself by sending this,
but I'm just going to state the obvious and let the chips fall where they may:
I think I'm in love with you.
And I'm not exactly sure what to do about it.

Mystery Man: wow.
i'm not sure exactly how to respond to that. and i'm not exactly sure what to do about it, either.
but, oh well. all is well.

Me: I figure I have two options: I continue to talk to you on here and somehow work out in my head that that is okay. Yet I continue to have you in my life, which is something I want very much.
Or, this stops. I feel horrible for doing it because it feels incredibly cruel, because here you are just being nice.

Mystery Man: i don't see why i have to stop talking to you. this sort of thing happens all the time. so i think option number 1 is fine by me. no need to be cruel.

Can I be in love with somebody who does not return it, but still wants me as a friend? Oh but you are the one that listens to me. You are being a better friend than everybody else in my life. Thanks, a lot. Of course I'll see you again! It's a shame you weren't there...

Can I be in love with some one who is only in my life online?

Can I hold myself back for somebody who is not really there? (Even though there is really nobody else in my small town that has my interest...)

...but can I leave him, the one who taught me about life and love and who made me grow up, alone?

I honestly want to give up. My expectations of love are so... unrealistic... that I doubt that I'll find anybody (Thanks Edward Cullen!).

And I've looked, and am still looking. But right now, I'm just very worn out because I don't think I'll ever find anybody that I'm genuinely attracted to that actually loves me back.

Frazzled.

Dear Frazzled,

Everyone listen up. Before I address this directly, I'm adding a new rule to the Adviceopolis Archives: IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO TELL SOMEONE--ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT DATING--THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM, WAIT 60 DAYS.
Trust me. Either your love will endure that long. Or you will send me one of these in thanks.



Now where was I? Oh, right:

So, Frazzled, what would you say to your best friend if she came to you and said: “I really love this guy but he totally doesn’t love me back oh and he’s a stoner”? I don’t live in your head, but I have to guess that you would say something along the lines of “ditch that loser! If he doesn’t appreciate you he’s not worth it.”

And if your friend said, “But he says he needs me. That he relies on me” then you (if you were me) would say “Those are techniques he is using—possibly unconsciously—to keep you in his life.. In your love for him, in your wanting to be with him, he sees himself as smarter, stronger, better, cooler, hotter and more important. He is feeding his ego off your love. And off your ego. Because he is an emotional vampire.”

Here is how emotional vampires operate:

First, they Unteather you with a charm explosion at the beginning, knocking you off your feet. Master manipulators, they feel around until they find the thing inside of you that makes you weak, the thing they can use to control you. In your case it sounds like something that enjoys feeling needed.

Once they’ve identified your Tender Spot, they Stroke it. This can be conscious or unconscious, but you can see it at work in MysteryMan’s comments about how good a friend you are and how he relies on you. This is what you want to hear. He’s giving you just enough to keep you engaged and docile.

This makes it possible for him to control you so he can Empty you, feeding off of all the good things inside of you out so he can have them for himself.

A good test of whether someone is USEing you. whether s/he is an emotional vampire is to try to reverse those comments. MysteryMan says “You are being a better friend than anyone in my life.” Can you say the same about him? Can you say “He is being a better friend than anyone in my life”? You may be tempted to answer that you can, but calling him “unreliable” and “laid back…to a fault” (which is your way of justifying him not caring about you), and only talking to you online, show that you cannot.

Of COURSE he wants you as a friend. You rock! You are totally awesome! And he doesn’t have to pay any kind of price for that awesomeness! But you do: because whether you realize it or not, you are starving. At the end of a relationship with an emotional vampire, you are emotionally malnourished. You can’t walk away from a relationship like that—you can only crawl, because you have been made weak.

But you must vanquish this vampire. The only way to do that is to get away from him. Since he is a monster, this can best be done using the time honored conventions of the horror movie rules:

TURN ON THE LIGHTS!
One of the things that gets people hurt the most in horror movies is trying to grope around in the dark rather than really facing what is after them. Take a good long honest look at this relationship. He’s a stoner! Who only cares about his own feelings! Notice that you are doing all the giving, and getting very little back.

PUT AWAY THE KNIVES!
Any weapons you have lying around can and will be used against you by the monster in a horror movie. In real life, this means that you need to set aside anything—including Facebook communication--that can be used to hurt you. Its time to sever ties

DON’T LOOK BACK!
As you know, in horror movies the monsters always resurrect themselves. He will come to you with an excuse or a plea to be in touch. DON’T FALL FOR IT. Instead, see it for what it is: proof that he is an emotional vampire. Without you as a source of food for his ego, without you to act as an ideal mirror for him, to tell him how great he is, to show him through your love that he’s important, he feels like he ceases to exist. So he’ll try hard to get that back. His techniques can range from being super sweet and kind and hinting that he might love you (he doesn’t, he loves himself and how you make him feel about HIMself) to calling to tell you about a crisis (playing on your Tender Spot), to calling to tell you about a crisis he got through without you (to punish you by showing he doesn’t need you, and make you work hard to be taken back), to being silent. The last one is the best, obviously, although in the short run it could hurt the most

PREPARE TO TRIP!
You know how in horror movies the girl running away inevitably falls down trying to escape? Similarly, at some point you’ll probably respond to his overtures, or write to him. When this happens, be kind to yourself realizing that what you are doing is hard, and then resume the No Contact rule.

NEVER GO OFF BY YOURSELF!
One of the biggest mistakes people make in horror movies is to try going it alone. This is the time to reach out to your friends. Surround yourself with people who can help replenish what he’s taken from you, whether that means shoulders to cry on or people to throw popcorn at the movie screen with (NOT THAT I SACNTION LITTERING. LITTERING IS BAD!)

Being involved with an emotional vampire takes up a huge part of your day and a lot of time and energy that you may not even realize. You say you’re looking for someone, but how can you be really when your whole mind is taken up with MysteryMan? At first removing him from your life might make you feel kind of empty, because dealing with his stuff has absorbed a huge chunk of your days, but if you look beyond that you will see it actually means you’re very free, and expansive. You now have a lot more time and energy to dedicate to people who are genuinely worthy of it—including yourself.

True love does not make one person weak at the expense of another. It bolsters both. And it is out there for you. Having this experience with the Emotional Vampire now—and getting out of it, saving yourself rather than needing someone else to save you—is going to make you ready, willing and able to see and embrace it when the time comes.

Cutting this vampire out of your life won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. And the sooner you say no to being USEd, the sooner you will be saying yes yes yes! to true love and happiness.

^^^^

Dear Dr. J

I am playing Cupid for all of my friends but I don't seem to have very good aime when it comes to me. I start to like a guy but when they come and talk to me, my brain seems to turn off or it makes me start giggling. Which just makes me look like a big idiot in front of Him. Its no problem when I am around my guy friends, I can flirt with them till no end. But then put my crush or ANY cute boy for that matter and nada! I have so little confidence, when I saw a cute cashier guy at KOHLS I hid behind my mom! I am so confused of what to do. I would really like to have a guy like me. I have never had a boyfriend and I am a Junior in high school. Pleas help if you can. xoxo
Cupid's Arrow Missed

Dear Cupid’s Arrow Missed,

WE SO HAVE YOU COVERED!

What you’re describing is a) totally normal and b) just like stage fright. Stage fright comes from having to step up in front of people you don’t know and hope they like you. And as most people who suffer from stage fright can tell you, the two ways to manage it are to breathe deeply and just go out on stage. As soon as you’re out there on stage acting your part, it goes away.

Using this comparison, a crack team of Adviceopolis scientists have come up with a simple four part method for getting you from Chortling to Chatting with your crush:

Step 1: Breathe. Lack of oxygen to the brain is responsible for 99% of the stupidest things anyone has ever said. True fact! Ish.

Step 2: Make yourself pretend that the person isn’t the PersonYouLike but someone else. Alternately, picture yourself playing a part, such as “The Girl Who is Confident and Funny and Likeable.”

Step 3: Prepare one to four conversation topics or questions to ask him ahead of time. Make them open ended—instead of “did you have a good weekend?” try “What did you do this weekend?”—and relevant to his interests if you know what they are.

If you don’t, you can try some of the questions of Deep Import I have been wrestling with recently such as “Could leprechauns actually be Santa’s Elves with their beards grown out?” or “What do you think is on the perfect pizza?” or “Which would be a better President of the United States, a Smurf or Teen Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle?” or “If you could be any celebrity, who would you be (and you can’t say The Rock because of course everyone wants to be him)?”

Once these questions have gotten you past the first sixty seconds of talking to him, all your ace flirting skills will return.

[Alternately you could walk around with a Magic 8 ball and go up to him and say “My Magic 8 Ball told me to talk to you but I don’t know what to say. Do you want to ask it a question?” But if you do this make sure that your magic 8 ball is not, like mine, a total slut which will tell you to do all kinds of naughty things and result in you finding yourself dancing on top of a bar at three AM with…what? My lawyer is on the phone? Oh, I mean nothing.]

Step 4: If all else fails, Embrace the Embarrassment. “Wow, I seem to have ICantTalkFluenza around you. I bet you have that effect on all the girls. Maybe if I had more practice I’d be better at it. Want to go out for coffee?”

The thing to remember is that the one guaranteed way to insure you will never go out with this person, is not to talk to them. Anything else you do, even if it’s a little goofy, is a step toward getting to know—and possibly kiss—them better. (And every time you make yourself talk to a crush, it will get easier. So its worth trying out several times a day).

That’s the crop from the Advice Shoppe.

Be totally Withwhippedcream&acherry!

airsmooches,
Dr. J

Nutelling it like it is

Greetings earthlings! Its almost Valentines Day! The holiday that makes more people feel like pieces of gum stuck on the shoe of the world than any other!

Don't worry, though, ADVICEOPOLIS IS HERE FOR YOU! Yes! To start with, I suggest some musical accompaniment. Play the video below as you read along. It is impossible not to be jolly when you hear this song (you don't have to watch the video, I just can't find the song all by itself):



Okay, where was I? Oh, yes! Advice! Here it is:

Dear Dr. J—

So, yeah. Its that time of year again. You know. Valentines Day. And I don’t have a Special Someone to share it with. There’s this person I have a crush on but I don’t know if Person likes me so…what should I do? How can I avoid becoming catatonically depressed?

Love,
Where’s Cupid When You Need Him?

Dear Where’s Cupid,

I am not a fan of Valentines Day because every year it seems to make more people sad than happy. And that is not a good day! But this year I got my crack team of Adviceopolis scientists to work on unraveling the truth behind why Valentines Day is such le bummer, and—because they are crack! (no, not on crack)—they figured it out! In. Deed.

So, I now present to you the eternal truth about why Valentines Day sucks.
Are you ready?

VALENTINES DAY SUCKS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE A GOOD MASCOT

YES! You see the logic of this right? No? You say that the heart is the mascot of Valentines Day? Perhapppppppps, but would you want to, like, go dressed on Halloween as Valentines Day? No you would not. All good holidays have excellent mascots like Christmas (Santa), and when you lose a tooth (Tooth Fairy) and Easter (bunny) and St. Patricks day (Leprechaun), and Everyone Dress Like Ninjas Day (Ninja). And maybe you wouldn’t go dressed as Santa for Halloween but that is just because the costume is kind of bulky and plus, Santa is a real person (HE IS TOO!).

Anyway, my point is, without a good mascot, its hard to rally behind Valentines Day. Oh and there’s also the part where it makes most people feel like Queen Poo from Poo Planet, because even if you’re in a relationship it’s usually a one way trip to Grave Disappointmentville.

But I have a way to fix everything that is wrong with Valentines Day in one swoop. By holding a contest!

Not just any contest, but the biggest contest I have EVER HELD on this blog. And the contest: to come up with a worthy mascot for Valentines Day. The prize is a SIGNED copy of my book BAD KITTY in American English, British English, French or Swedish, (your choice) PLUS a Bad Kitty t-shirt. !!!!! And also ¡¡¡¡¡!

How does that fix anything, let alone EVERYthing? You don’t see it yet? Walk with me.

Valentines Day is for spreading love-n-cheery goodness like you’d spread Nutella all over a piece of bread (mmm nutella), right?


[insert energetic nodding]. But most people make the mistake of only giving love-n-cheery goodness to specific individuals, which would be like dumping all your Nutella on one small part of the bread.



Quel tragedy! Also what a waste! If, instead, you spread Nutella evenly all over, you get to enjoy it much longer.



HAPPYYUM!
So rather than focusing all your love-n-cheery on one person, say Crush, spread it over all the people you like (+ Crush). And what do you use to spread love-n-cheer?

My contest! And these three easy steps:

STEP 1: You go up to anyone you want to talk to, glance up at them through your lashes and say: “Hello Superfly Pal of Mine-slash-my superhot Crush and his/her/its friends [or you could use their names]! Happy Valentines day! I’m trying to win a contest by coming up with the best mascot for Valentine’s Day so I’m taking a survey. What do you think would be an ace mascot for this holiday? Preferably something you’d want to wear to a Halloween party. If you help me, I’ll give you a kiss.”

STEP 2: Record their answers, do some more up through the eyelash glancing and give them…a Hershey’s kiss. Ha ha ha! You have been witty AND wise (because hello, GERMS).

STEP 3: Email me your entries at advice@michelejaffe.com
for the Valentines Day Mascot contest by February 17th and you could be my lucky winner (Also please be sure to include whether you are over or under thirteen). Winner of a book AND a t-shirt! In a variety of languages!

HOW CAN YOU NOT BE PREPARING FOR THIS ACTIVITY RIGHT NOW? GOGOGOGO!

And EMAIL ME EMAIL ME EMAIL ME!! Together we will SAVE Valentines Day!

(If you're not feeling Mascot Inspired, another way to Improve your Valentines day is to do what I suggested last year)

Tune in next week for more regularly scheduled advice.

And in the meantime, be le superduperfantastico!
airkisses,
Dr. J

Force/Feeding

Hello chicken nuggets! Guess what time it is. If you guessed "Time for delicious Advice snacks" you'd be right! I hope you brought your appetite...


Dear Michele,

Please help! I never dated in high school, but I just started college, and now I'd really like to start. The problem is that the only guys I usually like are the comic book/movie nerd type, and I never see any on my campus! Where are they hiding, and once I do locate one, what do I do next?

Thanks for your help!

Surrounded by Frat Boys

Dear Surrounded,

Ah, the elusive species Comicbookslashmovienerdopithicus! They are wily and hard to locate due to their being IMMENSELY insecure around people they might like. There are two issues you will have to confront if you mean to date this species:

LOCATION
Like many comic book heroes (and villains), they tend to have lairs, sweaty basements at friends houses where they hang out. This makes them harder to locate. HOWEVER they can also be found at the following places: comic stores, action figure stores (like GameSpot), bookstores and music stores.

Comic stores are an easy place to start because they have a schedule: new comics arrive on Wednesdays, which means that there should be a large pool of ComicBoyznGirlz there that evening. Often comic stores host other events like Street Fighter competitions and Magic The Gathering meetings and Jenga fiestas and stuff on other days of the week, that can draw a crowd. You can find out about these events by browsing local comic shop’s websites or myspaces. But if you go, be prepared to participate: they’re not there to pick up partners, they’re there to freak out with their geek out. And if you’re not down with that, they’ll know. Which brings us to…

ATTITUDE
Again like the super heroes they revere, your ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl has a dual identity: on the one hand, they are masters of their universe, holding strong opinions and able to take down anyone in an argument or D&D brawl. On the other, they are often on the bottom rung of the social ladder. This dichotomy can sometimes make them insecure, and wary of strangers. It often manifests itself in sarcasm or standoffishness. You should ignore this.

Asking them questions about comics they like or comics you like and showing genuine interest, will cut through it quickly. A simple “I notice you’re always reading manga. I totally love Scott Pilgrim! Have you read the fourth volume?” or “I’ve never read any Daredevil. Whose run do you like more, Bendis’s or Brubaker’s?” can get you in the inner circle at warp speed.

If there’s one particular ComicmoviemusicBoyorGirl you’re interested in and you have a class together, you can always use the old, “Are you in English 101? I think you sat in front of me the other day. I’m Superhotgirl” [extending your hand]. “What do you think of Professor Ramblesendlessly’s pants? I swear his superhero name would be the Plaid Avenger!” line (only, like, good) to start things off too.

Happy hunting!

^^^^

Dear Dr. J,
I think I'm falling for my teacher. He’s not married. He's a little bit
more than twenty years older than I am (yikes! seeing that written is
shocking). Sometimes I feel
like it isn't so entirely impossible, though. Now, that could be true,
or it could be my mind making things up. (Most likely the latter.)
Also, I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for two years. I know it
isn't fair to my boyfriend. I also know liking my teacher is totally
normal.
I had been emailing my teacher about things
that weren't always related to school, and he did not seem to mind. I
have stopped emailing him, because I knew it was ultimately causing me
pain.
I want to get over the teacher What should I do?
Thanks for all of your help.
Hot for Teacher

Dear Hot for Teacher,

Unless you are done with school and in your 20’s, being involved with someone that much older is a slice of Bad Idea Cake with Bad Idea Icing. The fact that anything this teacher is doing has given you the idea that he might be interested back makes that a seventeen layer cake with extra Bad Whip on the side.

Your head already knows this cake is bad for you. But the head and the heart aren’t always in sync. Even as your head recognizes that the appeal of this cake is not based in reality, your heart is screaming CAKE! GIVE ME CAKE! ME WANT CAKE! The only thing you can do to make your heart behave, unfortunately, is cut off all non-school related communication with the cake, er, I mean, teacher and let time pass.

I’m not saying that lightly: I know how hard that is, how painful and challenging, and there are going to be times when you’ll be afflicted with justcanttakeititis and onelittleemailwonthurtfluenza and atinysliverofcakeisallIneedosis. But all of those conditions will just keep you filled up with empty emotional calories that in the end will leave you hungry and malnourished.

For some reason that is partially to do with chemicals and partially to do with Deep Mysteries, this cycle of craving&pain goes in 10 to 14 day blocks. That means if you can hold out for two weeks, it will get a little easier. Two more weeks and easier again. But each time you break down and snack on some cake, the cycle starts again, and worse. (Think sugar high. Then think sugar low.)

Whenever you feel like going Marie Antoinette and letting yourself eat cake, acknowledge that you want to do that, remind yourself while the cake looks tasty its actually kind of old, probably stale, and mostly a fantasy you made up in your mind, and try to engage in some other activity. If you can’t help yourself, write the email and then don’t send it.

In the meantime, you might want to think about your relationship with your boyfriend. Its possible that the attraction you have for your teacher is being fueled by discontent with your current sweetie pie. Like you’re not getting what you need, and so you’re looking for nutritional supplements. This could be a good time to take a break from cakes entirely. Because the ones you’ve got aren’t really satisfying you, but they’re filling up your time so you can’t look for genuinely good ones.

You deserve better cakes! Fresh, high quality cakes that deliver on the promise of their excellent exterior and are both delicious AND nutritious.

^^^^^
To Dr. J

I know what you talk about when you say writing a book is hard. I have tried many times. My begging and dieing now question is do you have anything to help me focus on one idea?
Peace out sister!

From
Your Almightly Spooky One (bow minions!!!!)

Dear Almightly Spooky One,

You’re a plot flirt!!! Don’t worry, that’s not an insult (don’t smite me, Almighty One!), I’m a plot flirt too. When I start a book, its like being at an ace cocktail party—flitting from person to person through the crowd, chatting with them for a second, laughing at a joke but always secretly looking over the person’s shoulder, in search of The One.

The thing that’s so sneaky about being a plot flirt is that it makes you feel like you’re doing something productive (I’m working! I’m looking for the right project slash plot slash heroine’s name slash pair of sparkly shoes slash way to kill the bad guy!) and for a little while it is, but after a time it can become that most Detrimental To The Writing of a Book thing: pRoCrAsTiNaTiOn.

What I suggest is giving yourself a week—five days—to flit from idea to idea. Write down everything you think of. And then commit. Because here is a secret: ANY PLOT CAN WORK. While some might be slightly better than others, it’s what you bring into the story—the characters, your writing style—that make the biggest difference.

So the way to focus is to pick one thing and FORCE yourself to keep working on it, no matter what the voices in your head that want you to go play with something else say. Remind yourself that while those voices are perky and nice, they are actually undermining you and your ability to do what you want (write a book). They pretend their names are Your Pal and Friendlynicenice but in reality they are Insecurity and his BFF Be Afraid and their job is to keep you from ever finishing a story.

Don’t give in! May the Force be with you!

That’s all the advice for today. Come back on Monday when I will solve the eternal riddle: Why does Valentines Day seem to suck so much and what can I do about it? Which, fantastically, involves a contest! With pRiZeS! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Until then, be supermaxigelatotastic!

airkisses,
Dr. J

Advice and Contest

Hello dumplings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How are you? I am very refreshed and restored from my blogbreak and ready to advise. Adviceopolis will reopen for business during the first week of February (just in time for Valentine’s Day) so start emailing me your questions.

But first, to start things out R to the IGHT, I’m having a CONTEST!! And the prize: an advance copy of my brand new book KITTY KITTY.
Oh yes yes.

And all you have to do to win it is tell me what song you think I should have on my myspace page. Could that be easier and yet more fun? No it could not be easier and yet more fun!

Here’s how it works:

YOU visit my myspace and email me at advice@michelejaffe.com with your suggestion of song to replace the one that’s there now (although as I am sure you will agree, it is le superfantastico. Be sure to turn up the sound). I’m looking for something fresh and delicious and jolly, not something that requires carbon dating or one of these when I listen to it:



I cast my ears upon your brilliant selections and pick one using a scientific process involving dancing around in my sparkly shoes

THE WINNER gets a supercollectible copy of my not-in-stores-until-July book KITTY KITTY, the sequel to BAD KITTY.

(You can enter as many times as you like as long as its with a different song each time, it’s a good song, it’s a good song that is available on myspace, and you do it before January 29.)

To review:
1. visit me on

2.


3.


4. WIN


Go be DJtastic!
airkisses,
Dr. J

Write On!

Welcome to Adviceopolis where harvest delicious and nutritious advice whenever we can. I know the pickings have been lean and slender recently, but you are about to see why.

If you’re brave enough.


Dear Dr. J,

I want to be a writer when I graduate from college but I’m a little scared. I mean, I’ve never written a book before. How do you do it? Do you just sit and have an idea come to you and write? Or do you research? Or play with your hair? What? Any tips would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Meg Cabot Jr.

Dear Meg Jr.,

I get asked Where Do Books Come From a lot, and I’ve finally hit on the perfect answer: So there’s a writer and there’s an idea. They meet and like each other. The writer puts the idea in her book and they push and pull and thrust and parry for awhile and nine exhausting months later a manuscript is born!

Le. Not.

In reality it’s a lot more complicated. And since I can’t really describe it, I’ve decided to SHOW and not TELL which is one of the things that writing teachers tell aspiring writers to make them want to strangle themselves.

I will warn you though, this is not for the faint of heart. What you are about to see is rare Live Action Footage of a Writer Writing in her Natural Habitat (dirty hair). It hasn’t been retouched or altered in any way. In fact, I made this whole photo essay at 3AM to give it that Cinema Verite feeling. If that means what I think it means. Which is “I haven’t slept in three days.”

And now Adviceopolis Productions would like to invite you to the world premier of Behind The Scenes With An Author (rated SH for Scary Hair). I’m not showing you this to frighten you out of wanting to be an author. But I will say that if you have safety goggles, you should probably put them on…now!




















^^^^^
FRIGHTENING RIGHT?? What? You can’t hear me over the sounds of people running for terror? I totally warned you. But now you know The Truth.

You also know what I look like so if you see me staring through the window of a bakery at a cupcake longingly, remind me that I probably already ate two for breakfast and send me on my way. Really you’ll be doing me a service.

Be writetasticmaxistupdendous!

airkisses,
Dr. J

Eye Dos

ARE YOU READY-Y-Y-Y [said in Monster Truck Voice]??? For what? FOR WHAT??

Something. Totally. Cool.

Although I don’t like to, I will admit, that my knowledge has boundaries. Also empty places. Only like three (lizard psychology, quark physics, and proper croissant eating) but still. Well, actually four: I’m not an expert on make up application. I’m okaaaaaaaaaay at it, but I felt you, the fab o’faberihan readers of Adviceopolis, deserved better.

So I invited a world famous make up artist to answer your questions.
Yes. I. Did.
BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE COOK IN ADVICEOLOPLIS, EXPERT FRIDAY STYLE.

She’s done make up for some people you might have heard of like Kristen Dunst and Missy Elliot and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Kate Hudson and Jennifer Lopez and Natalie Portman and Penelope Cruz and…anyway, the list is LONG. And now she’s answering YOUR make up questions. I know! Its amazing! (Seriously, check out her website to see what a superstar we have in our midst)

So please everyone put your hands together to welcome Doctor Nicole to Adviceopolis. And check out her unbelievable make up advice (complete with lists of recommended products you can get in your drugstore. HELLO CHRISTMUKAH CAME EARLY THIS YEAR!)


Help!
I'm going to prom this year and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on the type of eye makeup I should wear to make my eyes POP. I have dark brown, deep set eyes. I'm not fond of wild and crazy colors; I want my makeup to look somewhat natural. My hair is dark brown, nearly black, as are my eye brows and eye lashes. My skin is a cool ivory tone. My dress is sky blue and I'm accenting it with silver accessories. I have bronze, thick rimmed glasses. I know this sounds like a lot of information but I'm pretty clueless about makeup and I've tried to find info on the internet, but so far I haven't come across anything that's really helpful.

Thanks,
Naked Eyes

Nicole Writes:
Dear Naked Eyes:

Lucky girl, I love brown eyes! Brown eyes are great to dress up because they are neutral in color and almost anything makes them pop. Since you are wearing a blue dress you want to make sure your eye makeup compliments what you are wearing so try and stay clear of any hues which may look too matchy matchy (which is also tres tacky anyway) such as green or blue.
[Michele says: Er, excuse me while I go throw some things away.]

Some amazing colors for brown eyes are dark slate gray, gunmetal and black. And because prom is a really dressy affair, I think you should use shadows that are shimmery that way your eyes will catch the lights and dazzle 'em. Adding a darker color like black to the outer corner of the eye will help define your eyes as well and make them really sultry. It's what we call in the industry a "modified smoky eye". Here is how you would do it:

1) Apply an matte egg shell or off white color to the entire lid (this is a flat non shimmery type of color).
2) Then with a sponge-tip shadow applicator apply a really awesome shimmering, gray or gunmetal color to the bottom half of the top eyelid. Then with your fingertip blend over that shadow well.
3) Then use the same applicator to apply a small dot of matte black eye-shadow to the outer corner of the eye. Again blend that with your fingertip making it appear smokey.
4) using the edge of the shadow applicator draw a line on your lower lid with the gunmetal or black shadow (it's your choice gunmetal is softer, black will be more dramatic). Make sure you get very close to the lash line. Then take a q-tip and blend the line in so it looks smoky.
5) Finish that off with a coat of black mascara on top lid only (if you apply mascara to the bottom it will smudge by the end of the night, not a cute look!).

[Michele says: I tried this! I did what Nicole said and it TOTALLY WORKED!!! I looked so rad! If I must say so myself! Which I must since I am not allowed to leave the house because I am working on Bad Kitty 2—which, P.S. is not code for “eating bon bons and watching Animal Planet. Much.]

* For added drama, apply a small amount of lash glue to the back of a tiny crystal (only the tinniest crystal will work ). Then with a tweezer (use a pair of very blunt tweezers so you don't poke yourself in the eye), apply the crystal to the middle of the bottom lash (on both eyes of course). Put it right underneath the lash so it just peeks out a little ). This will catch the lights and show right through your glasses making you look so magical.

You can purchase the tiny crystals from the nail department of your local drugstore and the glue you can find in right next to the false lashes (make sure to buy white eyelash adhesive which is safe to use around the eye and dries clear).

[Michele says: Please please please do this because it is approximately the coolest plus popsicles idea I have ever heard]

Keep the rest of your face very neutral by applying just a hint pinky blush to the cheeks (not too dramatic this color must be barely there) and a light pink colored sheer lip gloss to your mouth.

This is a really dreamy prom look!

Nicole’s Suggested Products

1) For eye shadow:
L'oreal infinite' shadow quad in #904 smokey eyes

2) Blush:
Neutrogena Highlighting blend in #20 pink

3) Lips:
L'oreal lip gloss in glam shine #100
or
Maybeline NY shiny lipgloss in #40 lolly pink.

4) Mascara in black carbon Volumous


^^^^^^

So,

I'm an Irish girl, and I'm really, really pale. I
also love wearing makeup. But no matter how hard I
try, I can never find the right color for my skin! Is
it bad if my face is darker than my neck? Also, what
colors should I wear to flatter my complexion?

White and Wondering


Nicole Writes:
Dear white and wondering:

Finding the correct foundation is one of the hardest things to do but so totally important. It is truly yucky when you see someone whose face is covered in a shade that is either too light (which causes the ghostly look) or too dark (no this is not a good way to fake a tan) and can oxidize on your skin and turn that depressing orangey color.

[Michele: Wait, its NOT supposed to be orange? (throwing more stuff away)]

That being said, there are some tips which can help you avoid these makeup pitfalls.

For starters, you need to make sure you go to a store which will allow you to try on the foundations so you can see the way they look on your skin. Also, some foundations will turn colors on you so you want to see this before taking the plunge and buying them. I always suggest trying on at least two or three different colors so you can see contrast. It will help you see what really works and what doesn't.

[Michele says: this is really really really good advice because this one time…well, never mind. Lets just say the words “HA HA HA that will be good for your MIME costume for Halloween” were spoken]

You said you are an Irish girl and really really pale so I am willing to bet that you have what we call a peaches and cream complexion. This means that your undertones are probably cool and pink (of course I can't say for sure because I haven't seen you but if your at a department store you can go to a makeup counter like Perscriptives and ask a makeup artist to tell you what undertones you have). If this is indeed the case, you have to go for a foundation to matches these pinky undertones.

If I were you, I would try on the first three or four colors of foundation in sequence so start with the lightest color and put a dot of that on just at the side of the chin. Next to that color apply the next darker shade and so on. You will probably start to notice the darker colors turn gray, and dull. This means they are too dark for your skin. The color that matches perfectly should blend in with incredible ease and should be only slightly darker then your neck. Foundation on your face should never actually look darker then your neck. If you can see that, then the foundation is too dark.

[Michele says: Unless you are trying to look like a robot assembled from the parts of different human cadavers here to take over the world. Then the line could be like a fashion statement. What? Why are you looking at me like that? You want me to zip it so Nicole can get on? Oh, I see how it is. One day I’m the—okay, okay, zipping.]

Sounds complicated right? Ok, here is another option:

Tinted moisturizer!

It's fabulous especially for the summer because it is light in texture and most of them contain titanium dioxide which provides some sun protection (a "must have" especially for those with really pale skin). I think most foundations are too thick for summer and opting for a good tinted moisturizer is a great alternative. The best thing about this type of makeup is that they tend to come in three or four different shades ranging from light, medium, and dark. If you are as fair as you say you are, you'd probably go for the lightest shade.

The great thing about a fair complexion is that a little makeup goes a long way. With skin that has cool undertones you can go to the pink and reddish shades. Luckily this summer fashion designers have done away with the tan look and opted instead for a fresh, chic look which includes a sheer red lip with a light pink blush on the apples of the cheeks. This is actually the perfect look for your pale skin. When wearing a sheer red lip gloss, you want to wear a cool shimmery white eye shadow all over the lid with just a hint of black mascara. So summery, and so beautiful!

Nicole’s Suggested Products:

For foundations try:
1) L'oreal true match foundation (try classic ivory)
or
Stila natural finish oil free foundation

2) For tinted moisturizers try:
Stila illuminated tinted moisturizer
or
Neutrogena healthy skin enhancer (try fair to light color)

3) For eyeshadow try:
L'oreal wear infinite' Frosted icing
or
l'oreal illumination loose pigment in high reflects

4) Lipgloss:
Almay #355 red shimmer gloss
or
Maybeline wet shine diamonds in #15 spoiled in rubies

5) For blush:
Revlon cream blush in berry flirtatious

6) Mascara in black carbon volumous.

^^^^

WOWOWOWOWOW! THANK YOU NICOLE!!!
Are you all clapping for Nicole? No? Because you are too busy writing up more make up questions to ask her? I bet if I’m really nice I could get her to answer more. So if you got ‘em, mail-slot ‘em.

Okay, yes, I’ll give the rhyming a rest.

In the meantime, check back soon as I will be answering the important question: How do I write a book? As well as a few things about BOYS and FLIRTING and maybe even BOYS.

Be shimmery!
airkisses,
Dr. J

Purrfect You

What’s up woodchucks? Are you ready for some finger lickin’ good advice? GOOD!

Hello!!
Im a senior in highschool and I don't have a boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me??? My friends suggest different guys but most of them are shallow and they don't understand any of my witty comments. So is this just a sign that I should start looking for a nunnery or find 12 cats to live with? Or maybe I'm too picky?? I know people say they love the single life but it be nice to have a couple life also. Help! Thanks.

Love,
Single Senior

Dear Single Senior,

Ha ha ha twelve cats ha ha. There is nothing wrong with you for not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a significant other of some kind. It sounds like you just haven’t found anyone you like enough to date.

But if you are genuinely worried that you are too picky, ask yourself if you’re giving the people you meet enough of a chance to get to know your fine witty self. A person could act like a post-op lobotomy patient the first few times you meet them, but actually be really cool, just shy. On the other hand, maybe none of the people you know are for you, which means widening your search. Think of places you’ve seen people who seem interesting to you—coffee place, bookstore, arcade, comic book shop, mall, roller rink, gym, petting zoo—and go hang out there.

Basically, though, until you feel attracted to or interested in someone, there’s no reason to try to board the USS Relationship. Are you sure you really do want to date? Sometimes people think they should have a boy or girlfriend because their friends do, or movies make it look cool, or everyone tells them to, but they don’t really want one. Whatever happens, make sure you’re doing it because its what you want, not because of purr pressure.

^^^^^

OK, so.
There's this guy. He and I dated very briefly about 3 years ago. We were both really young. He moved to another state, so we broke up. Later, he moved back, and we didn't date again, but we both liked each other. It was really obvious. I always wanted something to happen, and imagined it would, but it didn't. Well, I didn't go to his school last year, but I always thought about him and we emailed and stuff. Did I mention that we were always were good friends even after we broke up? So this year, I came back to that school and we are still friends. He has a girlfriend but the problem is, I STILL ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HIM That Way!! I can't help it. I want to stop, but I think I only like him because it's comfortable and I know him so well and stuff. I don't want a boyfriend. I really don't. I just want to get over him. I always think of embarrassing scenarios in which we happen to be alone together after school...I feel so dumb because he has a girlfriend. I want to be friends with him, but I do not want to like him! Is there anything I can do to get over him? Michele, without your help, I might just go insane. Please help!!
O Confused One.

Dear O Confused One,
You may feel confused but you are also Wise. You probably do like him largely because its comfortable; also because, since he has a girlfriend, its not risky. He can be a safe outlet for your fantasies without you having to worry about actually ending up with a boyfriend if that’s not something you want.

But if thinking about him is putting the UN in FUN for you, the best way to make it stop is by consciously redirecting your mind away from him. I know it sounds hard, but you can do it. As soon as you start crafting crazy scenarios where you end up trapped on the football field alone and then the sprinklers come on and you both get wet and have to take off all your clothes except the Big Bird underoos you look extra cute in and then you are forced to huddle together for warmth, for example, send yourself a Cease&Desist order. Think instead of puppies. Or tacos. Or a sparkly shoe sale. Or some other massively distracting thing. After three days of the Forceful Redirect it will get easier; after 5 days it will start to be second nature; by 10 days you will find you hardly have to do it any more; and after two weeks, you should be cured.

^^^^^
Dear Dr. J
So, I have never really thought too much about my body. I mean I am not ugly but last weekend at sleepover one of my best friends kept teasing me about my chest. I am almost fourteen and I am VERY flat chested. Like no chest at all. Then all my friends made fun of me and said I would have a boyfriend if I had a chest. I have to admit I do develop slower than all of my friends. I really do wish I had a bigger chest but it seems impossible. I do want a boyfriend and my friends convince me I don't have one because of my chest. What should I do?

Tired of being flat chested

Dear Tired,

What should you do? You should go to your friends and say HA! And also HA with HA icing. Because the big secret that no one wants you to know is:
having no boobs isn’t a dire curse; it’s a total blessing.

What? Have I been hitting the crazy sauce? Snacking on insanewiches?
No.

First of all, as I know from personal experience—my boobs are so small I can buy bras in the BOYS section at Target. Well, ok, not really but practically—there are some serious advantages to being flat chested including:

Perky-boob longevity
Not having to wear a bra unless you want one
Having designer clothes fit well
Looking slimmer
Knowing that when people show an interest in you, they’re grooving on what you’ve got going on above the neck, not below.

Many of my curvier friends struggle with insecurity about whether people are dating them or their breasts. A primary reason for that is because of exactly the kinds of things your friends are saying to you: telling you that you don’t have a boyfriend because you don’t have boosoomas shows that they have already internalized the message that they are only attractive because of their cleavage. This. Is. TRAGICOXTREME! It shows that their self esteem has been nibbled away by the self esteem rats, and they are willing to settle for dating someone whose only interest is in their body. I weep for them.

(Okay, done weeping. Back to you!)

Apart from being slightly pitiable and probably requiring a lot of therapy when they grow up, your pals are also completely wrong: not having boobs does NOT keep you from having boyfriends; not having boobs keeps you from having LOOSER boyfriends.

Unless all you are after is a physical relationship—which I suspect isn’t the case because you said you want a boyfriend not a boytoy—why would you want to be with someone who only noticed you because of your lady lumps? Would you date or not date a guy because of the size of his penis?
Right. Le not.

What your friends are also implying is that they wait for people to get interested in them, and then they date. Which is an excellent tactic if you want a dull life or enjoy dating from the species jerkapotomous. But why would you? So in addition to saying HA to your friends, do this: look around for someone YOU might be interested in. Start talking to that person as a friend. And see what happens.

Above all, remember this true fact: the best way to win cool friends and influence people is with your BeDazzling personality, not your B-cup.


^^^^^

Dear Dr. Jaffe,

A few months ago my friends were freaking out because they thought I was still hung up over my old boyfriend. They started telling me I needed to go out and meet some new guys. I know they were just worried about me and trying to be helpful but they would bring it up anytime we went out together. I finally just got fed up one night and told them I couldn't meet their guys because I was already seeing someone.

That shut them up. For about 5 minutes. Then they wanted to know how long we'd been going out, why they hadn't met him and what his name was. I panicked inwardly, but then told them the name of this guy I used to know who I knew that they didn't know. Then I gave them the slightest bit of information like that he was really nice and changed the subject. And it worked.

I was thrilled that I could finally just be single and not worry about it. Only I wasn't for long because everynight we went out or stayed in they'd ask me how things we're going. I started to feel more and more guilty about lying to them. And more and more pathetic because the guy existed but he didn't exist in the role I had placed him in. Finally, fed up with it all, I told them things weren't going so well. Every night after that I said things that were going wrong between us until I finally said that we had broken up. I was back to where I had started, but at least I wasn't guilty anymore.

The only problem was that I was ready to date again. And even worse, I started running into the guy whose name I'd used for my "boyfriend" and started developing feelings for him. I'm totally confused right now because I think he likes me too. He keeps asking me out and it just feels so wrong because I feel like I'd be lying to my friends again. I feel like I should come clean with my friends but I have no idea how I would go about doing so. Also, I'm freaked how they will respond to the idea of Guy-Whose-Name-I-Used-But-Never-Actually-Went-Out-With and me starting a relationship. That is if I actually ever accept his offer to go out.

I'm totally lost. Should I go out with him and see how things go before I tell my friends about him? Or should I just come clean with my friends from the getgo. And if so how?

Help REALLY appreciated,

I dug my own grave and now I'm being buried in it

Dear I dug,

Don’t worry, there’s an easy way out of this. Yes!

Step 1: Tell your friends to pay a visit to Mind Their Own Business Island when it comes to your love life. You should never feel pressured to do anything because of your friends. I know that might sound hard rather than easy, but if you are like “You guys! Don’t you have love lives of your own to worry about? I’m putting up a NO TRESPASSING sign around mine,” and then, no matter what they do, refuse to talk about it unless you want to.

Step 2: Say yes yes a thousand times yes when Guy-whose-name-you-used-who-you-now-like asks you out. Do not tell your friends.

Step 3: See if you even like him. There’s a chance that you only like him because of the “relationship” you constructed in your mind and what that was like, not because of how he really is in realityville.

Step 4: If it turns out you DO like him, either tell him about how you used his name (for example by saying “It was the first name I thought of….but clearly you were on my mind” with some serious eyelash batting) and have him play along; or tell him and then tell your friends, explaining they left you no choice and you hope they learned their lesson and also HA. Plus HA HA HA.

Step 5: Enjoy!

Step 6 (optional): Write the whole thing up as a screenplay and sell it for a zillion dollars.

^^^^^
Be HAHAlicious!

airkisses,
Dr. J